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In the movie, Stacy is very frank about everything in her life, including her many cosmetic enhancements. We even become the witnesses of several medical procedures she goes through including a breast implant adjustment, collagene injections to make her lips fuller and some liposuction. I must also admit that seeing some straight studs in action, including her boyfriend Julian she met on a porn movie set who is simply a "God", didn't hurt my enjoyment of the movie. But it was mostly Stacy who fascinated me with her little lost girl quality, coupled with her stunning blond looks. After seeing it for the first time, I rushed out to buy a copy.

As eloquently described in that documentary, the porn actors have to be ready to perform when everything has been set i.e. the lighting, the blocking of the camera and so on. Therefore, you are expected to get an erection when it's time. And as you know, the more you want that to happen, the less it does. But if you want to become a good porn actor, you have to develop mental tricks to get hard in any circumstances. There is Viagra and also Cialis of course. But still, it won't help you if you aren't able to get over your nervousness or if you don't feel aroused enough.

Many guys have fantasies about doing a porn movie. It looks so exciting and by watching, we're sometimes under the impression that it is quite easy. All you have to do is fuck with a guy for a while in front of cameras, right? I for one knew otherwise. I had enough experience on movie sets to know that it is very hard work and extremely intimidating. And that is precisely why I had such a hard time getting ready for it and waited a full year before mustering the courage to finally appear in one...

I always wanted to do it but was afraid about so many things... Not getting hard when I was supposed to, being naked in front of a bunch of strangers thus exposing every flaw of my body, having to endure often uncomfortable and embarassing positions and also, not being able to ejaculate at the end of the day. The "money shot" as it is sometimes called is always the last scene of the day for obvious reasons. It really took me a lot of soul-searching and I had to get comfortable with my own body and with the idea of having sex in such a sterile environment. After all, there is nothing less sexy than a movie set...

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THE "D" DAY

I have to admit that I was a complete wreck for the whole week just before I had to shoot my scene. Facing the camera has never been intimidating to me, I like it too much to get too nervous. But it's the whole sexual aspect of it all that scared the shit out of me. Like I explained, I was perfectly prepared to the reality of it as opposed to the fantasy.

What we see on the screen as the final product and what is necessary to do in order to get there are two completely different things. We imagine a porn movie set as a giant orgy, everyone screwing everyone else, including all the crew as well as the cast. If it really was that way, I can say it would probably be easier for the actors to get into it. But that is not how it happens at all... Sure, it might happen that way now on many amateur productions and mostly those bareback movies where shooting a scene can take a very short time with little or no cuts in the action. But the regular way to shoot a movie is a long process.

Having sex is very pleasurable, you're absolutely right. But sex with a complete stranger, at 9 in the morning, in front of a bunch of people all fully-clothed and acting in a very professional manner is no fun at all... That is hard work. But the actor's job is to make it look exciting and pleasurable for the viewers. But it is sometimes extremely difficult for a man to get aroused in that kind of atmosphere.

So, as I said, I was on edge the whole week before and had a very hard time getting to sleep. Finally, the D day arrived: Saturday, the 11th of March 2000. I got up and felt more like throwing up than having sex. I was so nervous I was sure I could never do it. How could I ever get an erection when the last thing on my mind was sex? But that morning wasn't the time for debates as I had a job to fulfill. So feeling like shit, I just left and headed for the studio.

Once there, I met the two guys who would act in the scene with me. That is such a strange feeling, I'll tell you... I mean, I had never seen them before and it struck me as really funny that in a couple of minutes, I would be having sex with both of them... Thank God they both were nice and as nervous as I was, so I felt less alone in my predicament. I also saw a girl and wondered what the heck she was doing there. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against women but somehow, I couldn't picture a girl working on the set of a gay porn movie.

I found out that she was actually a journalist and was accompanied by two others and they wanted to cover the shooting of the movie for a local magazine. I was a bit shocked and asked the director about it. He assured me that they wouldn't be allowed to stay and watch. They could only ask us a few questions and then leave. I was extremely relieved to say the least. I mean, it was my very first scene in a porn and getting naked and hard in front of journalists was definitely not to my liking...

So, they asked us some questions and also took pictures. It was a lot of fun to me, I have to admit. For a couple of minutes, I felt like a star even if I am still far away from that. Then, the director asked them to leave but he had to really insist as I got the distinct feeling the journalists thought they would be allowed to stay and watch. I was really scared they would convince the director but thank God, he knew exactly how we all felt and wouldn't allow anything to come in the way of our performance.

So, we started by shooting the introduction of the two delivery men characters, including me and one of the other guys. I must admit that was a lot of fun, much more than the sex was. My first love has always been acting and doing porn for me was a way to continue on that route. Therefore, I enjoyed it a lot even though it was a short scene and part of a porn movie which doesn't usually put much emphasis on dialogue if you know what I mean... After a couple of hours, it was time for the thing I most dreaded: the sexual action...

Now, I must say that everyone on the set made us feel very at ease and it was because of them that I was able to relax enough to get into it. The director told us that he would let us go at it and that they would shoot the action with two cameras, therefore eliminating the need to constantly stop us right in the middle of it and then start again. That also helped a lot. There is nothing worse than having to stop right in the middle of a sexual act. So, we got into it and all had sex together (the three of us) for probably something like half an hour non-stop.

I have to tell you right now that it is an unusual way of shooting. Most productions don't use two cameras. They shoot one scene after the other, usually from varying angles. But this was not a big-budget movie (it was Priape's first fully independent movie and they didn't have much time to shoot it...) and they still weren't too sure about how to proceed. It was actually an advantage for me. We were all beginners in a way. For me, the sex part was all new even though I had a lot of experience in front of the camera before this but it was the first time I had to appear nude in front of one. And since it was our director's first movie as well, it helped me to not feel too much pressure.

So, we got into it... The other two guys began by fondling each other, unzipping their pants. I entered the shot and pulled down my pants. We all started to touch and kiss each other. One of the guys started to suck me off, then switched to the other guy. Then, we all got into it and started to kiss each other in a threeway, licking someone's ass then kissing the other, licking any dick coming our way, putting our fingers into every hole...

I, being a camera hog, always tried to be in the camera's view and made sure to give the director and the two cameramen plenty of action to shoot. Then, the guy who was the most well-endowed proceeded to fuck us both, one after the other. I must admit this guy had a huge dick and neither one of us could take him for very long. All this sexual activity lasted for at least 30 to 45 minutes non-stop and it was very tiring to say the least but I only felt it once we stopped...

After that first shot, we took a break and then I began to feel completely drained and exhausted. As time flew (we had been at the studio for 8 hours by now), it was more and more difficult to keep the sexual momentum going... In my case, I knew that if I took a break, I would then lose the erection and was so tired that it would be very difficult for me get hard again. So, I wanted to continue and shoot the climax shot right away but they all needed a break so I had to go with the flow.

So, we took a break for twenty minutes and then afterwards, as I had feared, my cock refused to get hard again... So, might as well completely forget about the cum shot! The director, I must admit, was very nice about it. I tried for a while to get myself turned on again with a porn movie (ironically enough) alone in a room but after 10 minutes, the director came to me and said that they would simply shoot the scene with me on my back while the other guys would ejaculate on my stomach and chest. I was a bit disappointed that I couldn't give them the cum shot they wanted but understood that they were in a hurry to wrap things up.

I could have done it though if they would have allowed me more time to get in the mood again but I understood that they were all tired and we had to finish as soon as possible. And since the budget was very low, they had no choice because the longer it takes, the more expensive it becomes. Also, since we had to wrap the scene by a certain hour and it was already dangerously close to that, we had to proceed as quickly as possible.

After the climax shot, we still had to shoot a few things here and there (some medium shots, a few more clothed shots and so on...). They also had to record our voices with moaning sounds and things like "Yeah baby, suck that dick...", porn-babble as I call it, so they could insert it with our scene later in post-production. That was also a lot of fun to do and to hear all three of us, faking it one after the other was a riot.

Finally, after almost nine hours, it was a wrap, for this scene anyway since the movie was not all "in the can". After it was all over, you could see that everyone was drained and relieved it was finally done for the day. I was also very glad and rather proud of myself. We all dressed up joking all the while. They all planned to go get a beer somewhere but I declined. I was completely exhausted and couldn't wait to get home.

I have to say that everyone on that set was very nice and they all helped me a lot. This was an extremely difficult experience for me and if I would have sensed any hostily at all, probably wouldn't have been able to go through with it. But I became more at ease as the day progressed and I am very thankful to all of them for making me feel better, even though I had been very apprehensive about the whole thing. So, I kissed everyone goodbye and left.

When I had first gotten into the studio (in the morning), the weather was fairly nice but now, it was dark and snowing... I couldn't believe it! I grabbed my bike and then, as I was riding home, started to constantly replay the whole day inside my mind. There I was, getting home and it just dawned on me that I did it! I shot my first scene in a porn movie. It felt somehow surreal and so strange...

I remember finally getting home around 8:30pm. Everything, for some reason, seemed very weird to me and I swear to God, I had never felt as drained and completely exhausted as I did at that moment. It was as if all my energy had been consumed by some alien force. I just sat in front of my computer, put a CD on (a new one I had bought the day before for the occasion) and started to listen to it while answering my emails. I can honestly say that now, whenever I hear that CD again, I get transported back to that exact moment: home, by myself, having just completed my scene and feeling proud like hell but completely drained.

I had a few beers and couldn't stop thinking about the shoot. It was as if I couldn't believe I had just done it, after all this time of talking and thinking about it. I went out to a gay bar a bit later and met a friend of mine who has been with me through it all and I told him how it went. He couldn't wait to see it and frankly, I couldn't either. They had told me that they were expecting to release the movie by May or so... Little did I know that it would take more than six months before it would finally come out...

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THE RELEASE

By later summer, I had almost forgotten (yeah right...) that I had even been in a porn and it seeemed so long ago... In mid-September, I met a guy I had once picked up in a bar and, oddly enough, he was the one who told me that the movie was being released and, gasp... Would be shown in a real movie house for a gay festival called "Images et Nation". I was dumbfounded. I mean, a gay porn shown in a "real" theater for a festival? How unusual is that!

At first, I wasn't sure if I wanted to go. It's one thing to see myself having sex on a videotape at home by myself but it's another to view it in front of a bunch of complete strangers in a real movie house... And by definition, porn movies don't make great movies to show in a theater. I mean, people usually don't even watch the movie all the way. They fast forward through parts of it and then watch a few minutes masturbating only to stop it once they cum. But what happens if you get excited in a movie house? You can't do anything about it, I mean not without running the risk of getting kicked out or arrested!

I almost declined the invitation to go but then said to myself: "What if you never have the chance to see yourself on the big screen again? You will regret it for the rest of your life...". Actually, I had seen myself on the big screen several times but only very rapid flashes and a few lines here and there. And frankly, going to the premiere of a movie you appear in is not something that happens everyday, right? So, I gathered all my courage, put on my best shirt and went with a friend of mine who was just as thrilled as I was, maybe even more...

I had already seen the movie so it wasn't like I would be in for a shock. Also, I have to mention that my role is extremely limited. I appear in one scene (around twenty minutes into the movie...) that lasts about ten minutes and, since it was a threesome, the camera doesn't give me much attention and in the editing, they obviously didn't really put the focus on me. So if someone blinks or sneezes even only for a few seconds, he'll run the risk of not being aware that I appear in it at all... I read some of the reviews recently and I don't think even one of them mentions me by name.

But it was my first and for me, a crucial step in my life. It became instrumental in my being able to do others afterwards. We all have to start somewhere and I personally needed to start very small in a limited role, to prove to myself that I could do it. I had to get used to the idea of it and also, get comfortable with the demanding process of building it.

So, for the premiere, I put on my best attire and off we went. I must say that it was very thrilling to see myself, even if the movie isn't exactly perfect technically. Just the knowledge that I was up there, for everyone to see even if for only a few seconds at a time, was in my mind the beginning of better things to come. Nobody paid any attention to me, or very little and I didn't expect that. But just the fact that I went to the premiere of a movie I appear in is an exciting concept in itself.

And that movie was such an important event in my personal life. Even though it didn't settle every one of my apprehensions, it gave me courage and strength to continue pursuing other opportunities. But still, it took me almost another full year before I would accept to appear in another porn. I had some offers but frankly, I was still not ready. But as you know now, I have done others and even my own as a director/actor. But looking back, none of this would have been possible without this first one which really broke the ice for me.

Stay tuned!

Breck Stewart