I was a very happy child up until 5. I had tons of friends and life was perfect, idyllic and wonderful. My parents are amazing human beings who gave me everything. But then, I was whisked away to this weird place called school with lots of kids I didn't know and required to leave the comfortable cocoon of my home everyday. It was my first contact with "society" in a way. Like any young child, my perception of the world around me was limited to my immediate surroundings. I wasn't really conscious of much else. I was an average little boy who had the misfortune of being born with an extremely thin skin making him excruciatingly sensitive and almost defenseless.

Well, school was a complete nightmare from the very beginning. I was very small for my age, skinny, painfully shy... As soon as I set foot in that place, I was instantly rejected by everyone. I became the "sissy", the "girl", the "faggot", you name it. At that time, it didn't even have anything to do with my sexuality at all. It was solely based on the fact that I looked weak and somehow "different". And from that first day, I became their ultimate target. A few were typical bullies torturing me without end while others were less extreme. But unlike some kids who can usually find a few allies to defend them, in my case everyone joined in and as a mass entity completely rejected me, even little girls. I was extremely hurt and perplexed by their vicious attacks without really comprehending why I would deserve such harsh treatment.

Therefore, I spent my whole elementary school being picked on, insulted and treated very badly by most of the kids around me. They would call me every name in the book and would threaten to smash my face in. When someone is very young, those things are so real and terrifying that it makes you feel like dying. I would come home every day crying but would always hide it from my parents. Every school day was a constant nightmare and the only reprieve from the mental torture was when I got home. I would hide in my room and play by myself while daydreaming of a better life...

Then, as the year passed, I just became unable to have friends. How could I anyway when everyone at school would treat me like I was the worst thing on this planet? So, I tried to find some hobbies and started to get interested in various solitary activities where I could express my anger and hurt. I started very early to get involved in the theater world and studied many musical instruments (piano, trumpet, organ and guitar). The rest of the time, I just watched television and listened to music...

Over time, my isolation became more severe. But at the same time, I became self-sufficient. I created my own little bubble to live in, to protect myself from the outside world which seemed not to want me around. When I got a bit older, things got even worse. When you are a young teenager, the most important thing for you is to be part of group, to feel like you conform and are acceptable to society. Well, no luck there either. I had always been much smaller than most boys my age but suddenly at 15 years old, I started to get really tall and soon grew to my present height of 6 feet...

But naturally, my weight didn't follow. I had really long arms with huge hands and chicken legs, looking like some skinny and deformed chimpanzee. And then, to make matters worse, the acne began... I would get huge pimples all over my face, back, shoulders and chest. The kind of acne I suffered from is called cystic acne and it is one of the worst forms. Huge reddish bumps located under the skin would appear, hurting like hell and making me look very unattractive in the process.

My condition got so bad that I had to take heavy acne medication called "acutane". It had many unpleasant side effects one of which is hair loss. And in my case, I lost some of my hair which never grew back. I also had to wear braces for almost four years because my teeth were crooked. I mean, how repulsive can you get, right? There I was, trying to build some self-esteem and looking like a monster. It all got better with time and now in my thirties, I really look and feel a lot better but in my case, it really took a long time to get over all this. The pain never really goes away completely and I know that many people out there are going through the exact same thing. But we can all hope that at some point, we might reach a level of self-love and acceptance that most of us still lack and desperately need.

What did I ever do to them? What did they see in me that could trigger their agressive instincts? What was it about me that exasperated them to the point of constantly trying to crush down my spirit? In my child's mind, those questions were very painful as I had to live through the agony of having to go to school every day to get more. I remember vividly the way I ached when someone would point his finger and call me "faggot", "bitch", "queer" or any demeaning term related to my sensitive dispositions. Every word they threw at me felt like a blade through my flesh...

__________

SHELTER

Those years of mental torture took their toll and I became a recluse at a very young age. I felt ugly, stupid, worthless and ashamed of being alive. How could I feel good about myself when everybody else would put me down? I never had any friends, only a few buddies that I would see once in a while. Since they were all rejected like I was, we would hang out together because no one else would want to play with us. We were the "geek" clan.

I would always come home right after school was over and never left the house for a minute until I had to go back to that horrible institution. Even when I became a teenager and had to attend college, I chose one very close in a neighboring town only an hour away. This would allow me to come home on the week-ends... My mother was very thrilled of course. She would often brag to her friends that she had a very well behaved son who never went out, partied or got drunk like other teenagers... Little did she know that I did not go out because I was afraid of the world outside where everybody seemed to reject me.

It took me a very long time to get out of that maternal cocoon. My self-esteem was very low and it got worse when I hit puberty. Suddenly, I grew very tall and became this skinny creature with bad teeth. Thank god my mother accepted my request to wear braces to correct this problem... I wore those unattractive metal concoctions in my mouth from 13 to 17 years old. Looks-wise, I didn't seem to be able to catch a break and my teenage years were very traumatic on my self-confidence in terms of my physical appearance. I still sometimes "feel" ugly to this day even though my mind knows it's not true at all. But that feeling is hard to shake, vicious in its durability.

At 21, I was a young adult with no social skills whatsoever who could not even order a pizza by myself, afraid of my own shadow... My aversion of the telephone came from that period. Even to this day when the phone rings, I have a hard time answering. I usually let it ring and only check my messages once in a while. I know, it is a bit weird but it's one phobia I have a hard time getting rid of... I just intensely dislike the phone for some reason.

Anyway, I eventually had to get out on my own and get an appartment in a large city, very far from my hometown, to attend university. This was very tough on me obviously, but also on my mother because I had always been there with her and she missed me terribly when I left. It created a deep void in her life. My mother is absolutely amazing as a human being, kind and empathic, a beautiful soul to me just like my father. They both gave me everything I could ever want. It's only because I was loved to death by both my parents and my two sisters that I survived that period without too much damage.

I was not the typical teenager who would try to sneak out and stay up late as much as possible, getting drunk and indulging in drugs and sex. I was the one who was always home and she got used to that. Now, I was gone for good and it was a heart-wrenching experience for her. But it had to be done because it was not normal for a young adult to still be in his mother's shadow. I sense that it was important I should get a life of my own as quickly as possible. But it was years before I was able to function normally. And to this day, I am not able to have many people around me.

But now, getting older is such a relief because I am aware of all those things and can work on getting better and healing my inner child who was abused. I call it abuse because that's what it was. I was abused by society as a whole. And I wondered for a long time what prompted those attacks. It really is related to my extreme sensitivity. I've seen it over and over again through the years. When kids start to go to school, which is the first time a child is really exposed to society and the way it operates, they begin to internalize how this world works.

If they are different from the others, they are immediately labeled "weird". On one hand, if a kid is strong and self-confident, he will become very popular. But if the child is insecure and shows any weakness, he'll get rejected by the "leaders" and thus, everyone else. As gay men, we all have our bully stories to tell I'm sure. And speaking of that, I saw something last summer that just made my heart bleed. I was going to work, riding on my bike. While passing by, I heard a boy of about twelve years old screaming names at the top of his lungs towards two frightened little girls... "whores", "bitches", "cunts" "sluts", the whole works. Sadly, nothing has changed and it probably never will. Many kids will suffer through the same agony I did and my soul truly aches for them.

On a positive not though, when we say someone is sensitive, we usually think of it in terms of being easily hurt. But being sensitive also means having the capacity to hear, see, sense and feel things that other people less sensitive can't. I always saw my extreme sensitivity as being very negative because everybody would make me feel like it was. But now, I realize that it is actually a blessing. It gives me access to many facets of life that are fascinating. By saying that, I really don't want to imply that I am better than anybody else. But I do have a sensibility that allows me to be an artist in many areas.

But that sensitivity comes at a price and it is not always easy. I am an insomniac and have a very hard time getting to sleep. I have to wear ear plugs and a towel over my face to block the light and sounds that keep me from sleeping. I don't like crowds that much and can't go to a live concert from another artist or any social event where there are too many people, unless I'm on the stage ironically enough. But then on the stage, you have all the physical space you need, right? I need that space, the comfortable bubble which allows me to be in total control of my body and move as I please without people being in the way. Being right in the center of a crowd, crushed by a mass of people would be my ultimate nightmare.

Many people love that in live concerts, being right there in the middle of the whole crowd of thousands of people. That's part of the joy of a live event for most and it's a beautiful thing in itself. But I would simply suffocate. And to this day, I can't stand being with people for more than a while unless I can have some moments to myself. If I am not alone often enough, I get depressed and completely exhausted as is my life energy was drained away. After a time of being surrounded by people, I become cranky, impatient, irritable and this is the signal for me to spend time alone to recharge my batteries.

It is a bit weird when you think about it. Some people can't stand to be alone, not even for a few minutes. I on the other hand can't tolerate the presence of anyone for too long a period. My younger sister told me recently that she had to work hard on her fear of being alone. She can't stand to be by herself and needs people with her all the time. She gets very lonely when she doesn't have company. This is so fascinating to me...

Since I am the total opposite, I have a very hard time imagining myself being with people all the time. It would be torture and hell on earth. I have to explain though that I don't dislike people in general. I can be a civilized human being when it is required. But I am a true introvert. For me, spending time by myself as much as possible is a matter of survival. Especially now that my artistic inspiration depends on it.

My worst nightmare was when I had to have roomates for financial reasons up until my late twenties. I was always depressed and would become very impatient because I could never be alone enough and that drove me absolutely crazy. I would get agressive quickly and all my roomates had a very hard time with me. I have been living alone for many years now. I wouldn't be able to live with someone anymore. And certainly not a lover. I need solitude too much to be able to stand having someone constantly by my side.

Some people don't seem to understand that and take it personnally when I ask them to be alone. It is not that I don't enjoy their company. For me, it's only a matter of having time to think and let my mind wander while enjoying the silence. I need enormous amount of time to reconnect with myself, as if the company of people takes some of my vital energy. And this process is getting stronger as the years go by.

But the positive aspect of all this is that I learned very early that I had to rely on myself. Nobody on this earth possess the total security of another human being's unconditional love and affection, except maybe the love of parents for their children. But then again, the child grows up and slowly detaches himself because that's the fundamental way nature works. But boy, do I have wish millions of children wouldn't have to go through this. A human being's soul is too precious a gift.